Roller Coaster - Chapter 18

I got into his car. I sneaked a peek at my reflection in the rear view mirror like how I always loved to do in my dad's car since young and I was frozen at the sight of my face. It was disheveled. No, it was worse than disheveled. It was dilapidated.

I let out an inaudible scream.

My head snapped towards Dexter's direction, "You mean I have been looking like shit for the past two months?! Oh my goodness?"

"Wow, you've recovered!" Dexter laughed.

"I mean, answer me?" I demanded.

He cleared his throat for a little while before he separated his lips to let some words escape from him, "Well, yes you have been looking like... dung for the past two months. Your sense of dressing seriously dropped like crap and your bust is kind of concave I suppose..."

"Oh my goodness, shut up already!" I screeched as I dropped my head to see my clothing.

Never was I so shocked of my own clothes. I used to make fun of people who dressed weirdly or conservatively, but I was so ashamed of my dressing then. I couldn't tell what colour was the cloth made of, white or red or pink? Was it stained? My jeans were way to loose for me and it's baggy until I went speechless. Oh no, my favourite white sneakers given by Rachel was grey!

Rachel? I forgot about her totally. Where is she?

"Where's Rachel? I don't remember seeing her." I squeaked.

"Beats me. Not that I care of. I just know she disappeared with that bastard to some other country for some weird running event. I mean a marathon doesn't last for two months right, unless you're some super runner you run for like sixty days straight? It's stupid, don't think they'll ever return at this rate. Hope they die halfway or something. Never wanna see their screwed up face anyway, it's good they left. Ha."

I placed my right palm to my heart. It was not painful. I was unprepared for this, but I felt... relieved. How can this be? Shouldn't I feel jealous or something? I decided that I had issues, there was definitely something wrong with me. Nevertheless, I determined to live my life happily again.

I rested on Dexter's chest when we got home. I missed it so much, his broad and comfortable chest. I fell asleep.

Roller Coaster - Chapter 17

It took me two months to realize that Benji was no longer in school, despite having myself staring at his empty seats in the canteen ever since he left.

I felt like I've sat at my own pit for months, I had no idea how time passed. That two months were like a race car that zoomed past me, I could not grasp the chance to take a look at it.

How much time I wasted...

It surprised me how much time I took, even longer than I took to be cognizant of Benji's disappearance, to realize that Dexter had been here all the while. He was looking at me intently, with the same eyes that I saw one year ago.

He suddenly stood up, carried my arms and brought me to his car. Since when did he get a car? Why was I ignorant of it?

"You have a car?" My throat trembled badly.

"Wow, you finally spoke! You remember me?" His voice was soothing. So soothing that I played it again and again in my head.

He continued, "I mean I fetched you to and fro with this car? You can't remember?"

Oh, I remember now...

He must have heard my thought, or was it was written in my face? "Do you remember how you were like for the past... two months?

"You're like a zombie. No, zombie is too nice a word. Let's just say you were... a living dead?" He smiled.

Somehow that smile melted my frozen heart. It warmed me up despite the chilling wind slapping against my skin. I felt the blood rushing to my cheeks. I think I smiled.

Roller Coaster - Chapter 16

November.

Roller Coaster - Chapter 15

October.

Roller Coaster - Chapter 14

I had no idea how long I cried, nor had I any idea how long I nested in that embrace. I felt as though I could stayed there forever.

A pair of hands plummeted upon my head. My head was screaming of pain and anger, my heart was screaming of torture. When will all these ever end... My only wish was to lead a peaceful life all over again.

"Give me some peace please..." I begged, with the volume no higher than a whisper.

"I'm sorry Lynn... but I have to let you go for now."

It took me awhile to make out the owner of the voice. Benji? It can't be, he loved me so...

I summoned all my gallantry and lifted my head. It felt as though an enormous hammer whacked against my friable head. I felt as though I was in hell, burning up agonizingly.

"I'm so sorry..." His voice trailed away as he dropped me out of his embrace, leaving me on the ground.

It was the first time I actually realized I was still alive. Albeit also the first time I did not wish to be alive. I buried my face into my palm.

I heard footsteps coming near me.

I did not want anyone to touch me no more... The person sat next to me for very long. I didn't realize how late it was, and eventually fell against the person. I guess I was too worn out and really needed rest.

I wished I was really dead and burning in hell, because it will never be as excruciating as this...

Roller Coaster - Chapter 13

I continued weeping like a lost child. I bawled so hard, I thought my veins at my temples were going to snap. I did not care, I just wanted to let my sorrow out. It was not as if I met with a catastrophe, yet somehow I felt my heart dying slowly under a big rock, that I could not breathe, I could not live. Life was slowly being sucked out of me.

"Oh no... Sorry, Lynn. I shouldn't have... I'm so sorry." Dexter admitted his guilt. I shrugged off his hand from my shoulder. I did not want to be touched or comforted by anyone. I wanted to be isolated.

"What the **** are you doing to her!" It was the same familiar voice I heard a few hours ago. The profanity revolted me - I never heard one from Benji before.

I was grabbed out of the bench by Benji's tenacious pull. It hurt, but it did not matter, as long as I was back to Benji. I needed no more confusion, and never needed on in the first place.

"What? Ask her why she cried! It's because of you, bastard! You and that... bitch!"

"Stop! Stop it! Say no more! Now leave me alone!" I managed to be freed out of Benji's obstinate grip.

Don't look back, Lynn... Never look back. I continued to run. I did not care if I was directionless, what mattered was that I was freed from trouble, ephemerally.

Fleeting as it was, I was pulled back by someone in the midst of my runaway. Astonishingly, I stayed in that pair of arms. It was really tired to run away, I needed refuge, I needed rest. I wanted all these to stop, and pretended as if nothing happened at all.

Lyrics: Questions to God

I only have the chorus now... I'm still working on it.

Chorus:
How much more are You willing to die for me?
How much more are You willing to set me free?
How much deeper is Your love for me?
My Lord, my God
How much do You love me?

Roller Coaster - Chapter 12

"If it weren't for that, you could still be in my arms," he whispered into my ears as we embraced. How I wished time would stop that very second.

He held me back. I looked at his soccer jersey, it was wet. His sweat dried up, and it was wet again with my tears.

"Woo, your tears flowed like faulty water tap, did they?" He teased.

I looked up at his face, and saw his smile. It had been awhile since I saw that. In fact, it had been months. Three quarter of a year, to be exact. I did not realize how much I miss every part of him.

I missed the way he smiled from the way he smelled. Every part of him seemed so captivating right now.

"I'm sorry, Dex. I'm sorry to bother you. I thought..."

"Hush, not a word," He silenced me like a magic skill, and pulled me to his chest again. "If I could, I'll make you mine again."

My heart dropped. I wished it would happen, that I was his again, so I would not have to worry about Benji with Rachel...

Wait, what about Rachel? I suddenly remembered. The vivid image of her hooking his reluctant arms just a day ago, before my party.

Dexter seemed to hear my thoughts, "Rachel and I... We aren't together. Stay away from that bitch. She was the one..."

I pulled myself back and looked at him in my fiercest looking face. Well, I thought I did a good job, considering the amount of time I spent in front of the mirror practicing various expressions. "Don't ever call her that. Ever."

"Let me finish. She broke us apart. I didn't kiss her, I didn't sleep with any other girls. In fact, to be honest with you, I'm still a virgin, okay. Sorry."

Please, Lord, don't remind me what happened again...

"Shit," I started crying again. I was amazed at my river of tears. I realized that I would never forget that episode of drama in my life.

Roller Coaster - Chapter 11

I never expected I would fall in Dexter's arms again, and never had I expected that I would cry so hard in front of him. I never did that ever since we ended our relationship months ago.

I felt relieved. To make it worse, I was so surprised I felt understood by him. I was never a fan of a tofu-heart girl. I never wanted to be one. I never wanted to be so soft in front of guys. Especially guys like Dexter. To my horror, it did not feel like a nightmare to me.

"I've never seen you cry this badly. Mind tellin' me what happened?" He actually showed me concern, after months that we did not have contact with each other.

I just cried. To be honest, I sobbed even harder. I felt my eyes turning sore. The thing was, I could not care less. I just wanted to cry in his arms forever. I wanted him to pat me like he used to in the past.

I miss you... I thought. Never had I realize that this was exactly the reason why I cried.

"'S alright, sweetheart. Cry as long as you want. I can be here for you all night long," he said.

I felt bad. Really bad. Words can never be enough to describe the guilt I had in me. However, a part of me wanted to hug him even tighter. This part of me was dominating.

The next thing I knew, we were hugging each other.

Benji, I'm sorry...

What monster had I become? I did not know. All I knew was I wanted to stay like this forever.

Bitch. I called myself that.

Roller Coaster - Chapter 10

I had the weirdest dream ever. It was absolutely unbelievable...

He laid above me. We had a blanket over us. I looked down to find my toes, and I had no idea why I wanted to do that. To my surprise, everything beneath was mosaic. Literally mosaic. Everything behind the mosaic was something like our skin colour.

We were making love.

No way. I would never do that before our marriage...

I suddenly stopped, stood up and went to the mirror by my bedside.

It wasn't me in the reflection. It was someone else.

It was her...

I felt my cheek muscles move, and I saw that her reflection was smiling slyly at... me. It ended off with an evil wink.

I tried to open my eyes. It was a rather unsuccessful attempt, as they were too heavy for my lids muscles to lift. I tried tweaking my "non-existent" fingers.

"Lynn?" someone just called my name.

"Is that you, Lynn?" the voice called out again.

Oh, I fainted?

Yes I am. I'm afraid I don't have the strength to speak now. Silly me even thought I could communicate through thoughts.

I felt someone lifting me up. I felt more than that - I felt revitalized and energized in my thoughts. My body felt stronger as I leaned on this fellow's chest. This familiar muscular chest. It was, surprisingly, comfortable.

I slowly separated my lids from my eyes. Everything was blurry, like a smudged painting. It slowly sharpened a little.

I tilted my head up to my saviour.

"No way," I used my energy to scream out the words, which only sufficed a squeak.

No way can it be Dexter.

He reached his hands up to my cheeks. That gesture was so familiar, he used to do that when we were together.

I closed my eyes and waited for him to brush his smooth hands against my hot cheeks like I always did. I waited for long before I opened up again and saw the shock on his face. He looked at this hands and pulled them back behind his back.

"I'm sorry, I forgot we aren't... I'm so sorry, Lynn, so sorry..."

A part of me wished we were still together. If not for the drama, we would have been rated the most perfect couple in the campus.

Just then, another tear flowed through my eyes.

He finally gave in. He cupped my face in his hands and brushed away the tear with his thumb.

Oh Lord, how I miss Dexter...

Roller Coaster - Chapter 9

I waited at the bench where Benji first confessed to me after school. It was the place we always met for him to send me home.

"I don't care who you are, where you're from, don't care..." It took me awhile to realize that it was my ringing tone for my phone.

It was him. I did not know why my a tear fell.

"Hey Baby, I won't be able to fetch you home tonight. Coach suddenly wanted Rachel and I to stay back for admin stuffs. Sorry, doll..."

My heart dropped.

"It's okay. So hard being the president of track and field, huh? Haha."

It was not as if it never happened before. In fact, it happened many times. I knew I should have understood. I always understood... However, why did my tears fall irrevocably? I could not understand.

I sat on the bench for nearly an hour, staring into blank space. What had gotten into me? I could not understand why I felt so uncomfortable. Before I knew it, I cried again.

Come back... These words trailed away in my thoughts. I saw a black screen and could not remember what happened next.

Roller Coaster - Chapter 8

I prepared to go school. No, I was not prepared - I went with a heavy heart.

Had it really been a dream? I questioned myself over and over again. I could not help it, because it haunted me so much that the scene kept replaying. That scene: me behind the pillar, she grabbed his shirt, tiptoed, and kissed his lips. He refused, yet he kissed her back... A tear flowed down unknowingly.

I guess I was too oblivious to the surrounding that I could not feel the tap on my shoulder.

"Lynn! Earth to Lynn!" Was someone calling me?

I turned and saw them together. Rachel and Benji... I turned around and wiped my tears before they realized I was sobbing on my own.

"An-nyeong~" I greeted in Korean, it was a trend then. Everyone was into Korean pop.

"Why are you alone?" Rachel asked. Did I sense sarcasm?

"Why are you guys together?" Did I send sarcasm?

Benji walked towards me and left a peck on my forehead. It made me so weak, I felt that my bones were melting. Tears flow down again. This time round, they were uncontrollable. I wished there was a hole on the spot I stood, so I would fall into it and never let them see me in that pathetic state again.

"Lynn? Baby? Darling, what's wrong? Why are you crying so badly?" He patted the back of my head as he hugged me tight in his arms.

I refused to say anything. I just let my tears flow, and stayed in his embrace as long as I could, before it would be over.

"Darling, I have to go. It's time for me to go to the track..." He whispered into my ear. His voice was so delicate and gentle, I thought I would stay in his arms forever. Not until I made out his words and let him go.

The both of them walked away. Two most important people of my life walked away. I watched their back as they went, and thought, they really suit each other...

Maybe I was the odd one out after all. They looked so perfect together.

Another tear fell from my left eye. I could not remember myself being so depressed. Not once at all.

Roller Coaster - Chapter 7

I breathed in my first crisp of Monday morning air. I opened up my eyes and realized that I was in his embrace.

Was it true? I could only remember vaguely what happened. The same scene, over and over again, like a nightmare that seemed so real.

She grabbed his shirt, tiptoed, and kissed his lips. He said he would not do it, but he returned the kiss - long and hard.

I shook my head vigorously, as if trying to shake the memory off. It seemed to wake him up, because I heard him exhale out loud.

What should I do... What should I say... I questioned myself.

Something touched the back of my head, it was his lips that pecked.

"Sorry to wake you up," I whispered. I must have sounded croaky.

"It's okay. I'm glad I didn't explode into my beastly figure last night, guess I was too tired to."

He tightened his embrace around me. My heart fell, and I had no idea what to say next. I wished everything was just a dream, and everything I thought I saw last night was not real. It could not be real, he loved me so...

He got up and went into the bathroom. I thought it was a good time to check his phone again to see if the text was still there. I reached for the phone by the bed, tried to unlock it, it failed. The battery was flat.

"Your phone's battery's flat," I said flatly to the bathroom's direction.

"I thought I asked you to help me recharge it yesterday night before we sleep? It had been flat since after we cleared up, hadn't it?" He sounded irritated. He must be, because he had to attend school full day that day.

So it was all a dream?! Urgh. Somehow a part of me wished it was real. My life had not be dramatic for a while now.

Soon, I had a feeling that everything will happen soon.

Poem: Badminton

The sound of the training shoes
It really hurt my ear
What I'm gonna say is so not cool
That the sound is my current fear

The shuttlecock flew here and there
As it hit the strong racket
My eyes could not follow where
The fluffy white thing fled

Badminton is his ardent love
The thing that makes him sure
He stands with confidence
As he holds his racket firm

He holds the medal in his hands
The one that hung over his neck
He flashed it right at me
Told me his racket made him free

Roller Coaster - Chapter 6

I dragged my feet back home and laid on the bed and recalled what I saw earlier.

My brain was like a faulty video player, it kept replaying the same scene non-stop: she grabbed his tee, tiptoed, pressed her lips against his. He said he would not do it, but...

I heard a sound of toilet flush so I hurriedly wiped away the tears. The door opened behind me.

A heavy weight landed on my bed, a pair of warm arms wrapped around my body. Maybe it was my illusion, since I was really tired and groggy.

God, tell me what to do... I prayed as tears continued to fall from my eyes. Thank God that the lights were off, I did not want the bastard to know I was so sad because of him.

I wriggled out of his embraced and sniffed. It seemed like he did believe I was asleep, because I felt his big palm patting on my head.

God, how can I let him go?

I wriggled out once again. Maybe I cried too much, because I got tired and fell asleep not long after.

I tried to believe that I had the saddest dream ever. I hoped so.

Roller Coaster - Chapter 5

Rachel was an orphan. She lived at my house, my parents were her foster parents.

After much persuasion from Rachel, Benji decided to stay for the night.

"I just pray hard that I can control the beast in me tonight," he gave me a wink.

"If that's the case, let's be safe. You'll sleep in the hall!" Rachel teased.

"No, I want to hug Lynn to sleep."

I looked away and it happened to be the direction where Dexter was. He nodded at me, ushering me towards him. My feet moved to where he was.

He bowed to where my ear was and said, softly enough for me to hear, "Watch your boy closely. She doesn't seem to get over him yet..."

"I don't get you," and I walked away.

I looked at Rachel, she was smiling widely to Benji who returned the smile.

You're thinking too much, Lynn.

Benji hugged me to sleep night. I had no idea if it was because of the comfortable warmth of his body, or just me feeling burnt out from the activities, I fell asleep once I closed my eyes.

Maybe I was too worried about Rachel and Benji, I dreamt of them making love. My eyes shot opened. To my horror, Benji was no longer beside me. I checked his mobile phone and saw a text from Rachel: Meet me at e void deck, will b waiting 4 u.

NO! I cried to myself. The message was sent fifteen minutes earlier. It can't be...? Can it?

I took my jacket and fled down the stairs. Fifteen metres before me stood Rachel and Benji. I hid behind the pillar nearest to me, and still made sure I could hear them speak.

"You're here. I know you'd come," Rachel said in a girlish tone I've never heard before.

"Yes? Anything to tell me? Why choose here? Why this time? I need my sle..."

She held onto the shirt above his chest, tiptoed, and kissed him. She kissed him. At the lips. She kissed him.

I fell onto the floor. I could not bear to see what's next. Part of me wanted to run away and cry, yet another part of me wanted to stay on and see what Benji would do.

Lord, I know he's faithful.

"Damn, I am not going to do this. But..."

He kissed her back, long and hard.

Roller Coaster - Chapter 4

"Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday my dear Lynn
Happy birthday to you..."

My friends sang the birthday song to me. They even sang the Mandarin, Malay, even the Korean version to me.

Rachel brought in the cake - a regular sized strawberry cake.

"I made this for you, babe," she whispered into my ear.

"Thanks babe, you're the best," I whispered back, and pecked her on the cheek to show my gratitude. I ended it off with a smile.

"Go on, make a wish!" Agatha shouted excitedly from across the hall. She was one of the many whom Rachel invited. There were moments I wondered if it was really birthday instead of Rachel's. She had been doing all the preparations, showing hospitality to the guests, while I was the one sitting on the couch, watching TV and talking to random people who were by me.

"My first wish is... I wish that everyone whom I know will have good health."

"That stinks! You are so old-fashioned," a familiar voice rang. I paid little attention to it, because my classmates always used provocative words as jokes.

"My second wish is... To marry to Benji." I flashed him with my sweetest smile, and was glad to have him return his sweetest smile too.

I thought I saw him move his sexy muscular calf muscles, and the next thing I knew, he was already kissing me hard on the forehead. What an athlete... I thought, awed by his lightning speed from the bathroom to my side.

It was a tradition to say the third wish in your heart. I did not know where it originated from, but I just did it anyway, although I was never a superstitious girl.

My third wish was: I wish to be happy forever...

I felt a warm tear falling from my right eye - a tear of happiness.

Roller Coaster - Chapter 3

"Baby are you alright?" Benji asked. It's been so long since someone else was worried about me.

We had been together for a month then. I never asked him why he loved me - that question never did pop out in my head. Not until then.

"Benji, why do you love me?"

He looked down. I thought I saw his cheeks turn red - it was so damn cute, I could have just flashed him with one tight kiss.

"You know I had been looking at you for long. Since when you broke up with that jerk outside. You were always alone and gloomy, even if Rachel was beside you. I always felt a sense of loneliness whenever I walked past you. It caught my attention.

I was curious, you know. I kept watching you, everything you do - sometimes even to the extent of eavesdropping your conversation with someone. I thought, Wow, she's such an amazing girl. Good grades, an athlete body, good looks. She got over him real fast... must be a strong girl...

I began to walk past you more often on purpose. I smile more when you were around, did lotsa useless things to catch your attention. I didn't know why I was doing it, I didn't know why I always felt excited around you - I still do - I just didn't know why. I've never fallen in love before, you see..."

I pressed my lips against his before he could continue.

"You're such a sweetheart, baby. I love you," I said, and meant every word of it.

He held my hand and we walked into the hall.

I began to learn that happiness was just a mere adjective to describe how I was feeling. It was more than happy and fortunate, that I could have such a sweetheart with me. I decided that he would be the person I would never want to let go.

Roller Coaster - Chapter 2

I could not believe it. It was him who broke my heart eight months ago. My first crush, my first boyfriend.

"H... hey Lynn," he said shyly. "Aren't you going to invite me in or something?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"No, actually you don't," he replied in that familiar arrogance.

Rachel ushered him in. No, it was not just that. She hooked her arms around his, and brought him in. I could not believe what I saw. To be honest, my heart fell. To be more dramatic, I even thought I heard the sound of glass break.

"Hey Lynn, Dexter and I are together now. Sorry for not telling you earlier, it only happened one week ago," she said sheepishly, with her tongue stuck in between her lips.

Why was I so shocked? In fact, Rachel had been talking endlessly about Dexter these few days. From the way he ate to the way he burped. Why was I so sad to know the news? Had I not forgotten about the hurt?

"Sorry, need to pee urgently," I rushed into the bathroom.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I saw the water in my eyes.

No, Lynn, you cannot cry. Your makeup will be destroyed. They will know.

Despite my great effort to stop the tears from flowing, they still gave way to gravity. I had never been this heartbroken after my breakup with Dexter. No, this was worse. I felt like staying in the bathroom forever, I did not want to let people see me.

I could not deny I still thought of Dexter every now and then. I missed the way he ate, I missed the way he burped (it amused me so much that I spat food out of my mouth because I laughed too hard).

God, just let me cry for him for the last three minnutes...

I washed my face and redid my makeup hastily. I tilted my face from left to right, vice versa and decided that it was okay. My hand landed on the door knob of my bathroom, and finally decided to face the world once again.

I opened the door and saw Benji sitting on my bed. He smiled at me and gave me a big hug.

"Baby you look so gorgeous today," he patted my head and smiled at me.

Yes, I had found my strength to face the world again.

Roller Coaster - Chapter 1

"Happy seventeenth birthday, Lynn darling. I love you. See you tomorrow," Benjamin whispered through the phone exactly when the clock struck 12. It was my birthday.

Ever since Benji and I had been together, I received truckload of attention - mostly from Benji's jealous female admirers. I could barely make out the whispers they made to one another. It was always like this, "Why did Benjamin choose her?" Or worse still, "Maybe because she's rich, airplanes always use her body as runway."

Despite all the jealous-filled comments, Benjamin and I never argued. Instead, we became closer (though he often questioned me regarding the non-existent chest). He pulled me closer him whenever he heard those insulting comments. It always made me feel safe in his love. We were inseparable. Or I thought we were.

I was never fond of party and cakes. I hated noise and alcohol, and loved peaceful walks with Benji. I was not looking forward to the birthday party my best friend, Rachel, prepared for me.

"LYNN! GET YOUR HUGE ASS OUT OF THE BED IT'S YOUR PARTY!" Rachel shouted into my ear after I closed my eyes for what seemed like a second.

I looked at the clock, it was ten in the morning. The party was scheduled at half past ten. Which meant this: poor Lynn only had fifteen minutes before the first guest arrives.

Thank God I had great hair, great smell, and great looks, I managed to be done within ten minutes.

Just when I switched off the hairdryer, I heard a knock on my door - and it was the first guest of my party. I opened my gate and I saw him. I promise I was never so shocked in my entire life...

Roller Coaster - Preface

I felt so small beside him.

Say something! I thought to myself. He was a big, bulky guy. He occupied as much space in my heart as it was in real life. Sometimes I wondered why I fell for such a stone giant. It was not a surprise though - he was the most popular guy in school. The hottest guy in our school, the smartest guy in town.

"So we're here for..?" I blushed. Benjamin had asked me out here at Nigel Park the day before. It was one of the happiest moment of my life.

Did he see the red cheeks?

"To see you blush," he replied in a goofy manner.

"Damn," I whispered softly to myself. It was so embarrassing, that I hid my face in my palms.

I felt an arm over my shoulder. For the past seventeen years of my life, I had never felt so secure before.

"I love you," was what he whispered to my ear before my life restarted.